Casey: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by samshair
Summary: Did Bryce leave your manual under your bed and have you expelled from Stanford?  We don't know how the heck that'd work, but to avoid such a disaster, here's an online copy of your guide to John Casey!


Hey, it's a Chuck one! Isn't that great?

Chuck: copyright Josh Schwartz and Chris Fedak

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><p>John Casey: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual<p>

Congratulations you are now the owner of a fully automated CASEY unit. To ensure you get the full use and benefits of your deadly spy, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: John Casey

Place Of Manufacture: BuyMore Creations, NSA Division

Height: 6'4"

Weight: Unknown

Your CASEY unit will come with the following accessories:

One Buy More uniform

One suit

One waiter disguise

One pair of sweatpants

When you first open your CASEY unit, he may attack you. We suggest you have a tranq gun ready.

Programming:

Your CASEY unit is violent, angry, did I mention violent, and can carry out the following functions:

Assassin: But only bad guys.

Bodyguard: He isn't exactly "Mad Dog", but his glare would scare off even the most hardened of purse snatchers.

Threat: Want someone to disappear? Like your mother in-law, perhaps? CASEY is the perfect threat to get even the most annoying in-laws, mayors, and other law enforcement employees off your back.

Sales Associate: Cover or not, CASEY seems to take his job at the Buy More pretty seriously. He'd make a great addition to the Best Buy team…

Spy: We hate to state the obvious, but Casey IS a great spy, so if you need some dirt on someone or if you just feel like sitting outside your university professor's house in a black van, CASEY can help you out.

Your CASEY unit comes with five different modes

Angry

Angrier

Amused

Violent

Happy

Angry and angrier are two very different modes, no matter how similar they seem. Angry mode is CASEY's disposition, and is default for your unit. In angrier mode, CASEY will show signs of impatience, annoyance, knuckle-cracking, and more grunting than usual.

In amused mode, CASEY will tend to use things such as "spy humour" to get CHUCK units into (fairly) harmless, yet ironically hilarious situations. Your unit, when in this mode, will smirk and possibly roll eyes.

Violent mode is activated when your unit comes in contact with any of the following units:

FULCRUM VALUE PACK

BRYCE LARKIN

DANIEL SHAW

VOLKOFF INDUSTRIES VALUE PACK

Or JEFF units set to "annoying" mode.

Do not leave any of these UNITS alone with the CASEY unit and a gun. Or knife. Hell, don't leave 'em together with a spoon.

Happy mode is a myth. Many users have claimed to unlock it, but we don't believe them, because we have yet to see video proof. If you believe you have unlocked Happy mode, please contact our head office and post a video online, PLEASE.

RELATIONS WITH OTHER UNITS:

CHUCK BARTOWSKI: We have not experienced any major problems between these two units; however it is recommended you do not let your CHUCK unit take too much 'advice' from a CASEY unit.

SARAH WALKER: These two units do not always see eye-to-eye, but when it comes down to it, they'll get along fine.

MORGAN GRIMES: Of late, the MORGAN and CASEY units have been more at odds than ever. It is not recommended you pair them together for anything, under ANY circumstances.

GENERAL BECKMAN (LTD. EDITION): CASEY units tend to take orders from BECKMAN units, but since there are only 500 units in circulation, it's hard to believe they will ever come into contact. If you need a more detailed relationship guide, why don't you watch some Chuck on TV and figure it out for yourself?

ALEX MCHUGH: Your unit will go to (m)any means necessary to keep his daughter unit safe. Unless he doesn't know who she is. There should be no problems.

CLEANING:

Don't.

ENERGY:

The CASEY unit can get on without very much (SEE: Hiding out in a wall with only protein bars), but it is recommended you prepare at least two meals a day, or else give him permission to raid your pantry.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: He's so…stoic. Is my unit okay?

A: Yeah. What did you expect him to be? This is CASEY we're talking about.

Q: My unit has a beard and a hat. What's up with him?

A: Oops, we sent you a JAYNE unit. Lure him back into his box using some sexy women money, and send him back for exchange. (NOTE: This error has occurred several times due to Adam Baldwin's popularity. Other units you may have accidentally received include: MARCUS HAMILTON, MAJOR MITCHELL or LINDERMAN from My Bodyguard. Check our website for tips and tricks to get them back in their box).

Q: He keeps asking me if I could kill a goat…I don't think I can do that morally.

A: He wants to see if you have what it takes to be a deadly spy. Just tell him you don't think you're up to it.

Q: I found guns under my sofa! He won't let me move them, but I'm afraid someone could get hurt…help.

A: As a rule, CASEY keeps a gun within his arm's reach at all times. You should be happy they aren't more out in the open…like mounted on the walls…in your bathroom…

Q: My CASEY unit keeps putting pictures of Former President Ronald Reagan on my mantle. I'm more of a democrat…how do I get him to take them down?

A: I'm afraid you can't. That is, unless you don't value your life.

Q: I asked my unit 'what sandwich would you take to a desert island', and he punched me. Can I sue for damages?

A: No, he's your responsibility. You should have known he hates when Chuck and Morgan play that game. Maybe you should stop asking pointless questions, loser.

WARRANTY:

With proper care you CASEY unit should live until the end of his days, or until an angry opposing agent shoots, suffocates, stabs, or pelts him with rocks to death. But like he'd let that happen. If, for some reason, this agent's death-defying antics make you uncomfortable, you can return him within 60 days of purchase with a receipt only.


End file.
